Relationships
6 ways to handle co-parenting after separation
When the thread that binds a couple breaks without the hope of repair, whether it’s divorce or separation, pain, regrets and abuse are sometimes part of the outcomes. However, the children, family members and friends that the relationship brought together also bear in the brunt of the conflict or disagreement. Children, however, suffer the most.
A research carried out in 2019 involving 6,245 children and young people in the United Kingdom reported that parental separation was more likely to harm the mental health of children aged seven or more.
It further noted that family break-up was the known cause of mental health problems, anxiety and depression in the children.
Aside from mental health problems, these children were found to be more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems than those from stable homes.
Divorce is said to be on the rise. And according to Divorce.com, of the 12 countries with the highest divorce rate worldwide in 2021, Nigeria was ranked 11th, with 2.9 divorce rate.
Even when divorce happens, couples can still be involved in the lives of their children. While that is clearly achievable, it can be difficult sometimes. For example, there are instances where a parent could relocate to a different community, state or even country. Also, if it’s a bitter split, a parent may not want to have anything to do with the partner or anything related to the relationship.
Co-parenting has been found to be a way for separated or divorced couples to be involved in the lives of their children.
Below are tips on ways to handle co-parenting:
Slowly introduce changes
Children of separated or divorced parents, statistics stated, mostly suffer emotional pain and stigma. In most cases, it takes time for the children to adjust to new changes and they could be experiencing fear and uncertainty, which could be expressed through angry outbursts, tantrums or withdrawal from social activities.
The Managing Editor of Custody X Change, a family law platform for parents and legal professionals to manage parenting, Shea Drefs, advised, “Don’t try to introduce too many parenting changes at this time. Your children are already dealing with upheaval, so it’s generally a good idea to continue your previous parenting techniques as much as possible.”
Have a plan
Drefs in an interview with our correspondent noted that divorced couples must have a fair and inclusive parenting plan and style. Another cause of arguments with divorced couples is when a partner feels left out of their child(ren)’s lives. It is therefore important for separated parents who have agreed to co-parent their children to have a template and adhere to it. Drefs stated, “Create a parenting plan with your ex so that your approach to your children is clear. You can follow a template, like the Custody X Change parenting plan template or your court’s document, to make sure you don’t leave out important information. When you negotiate your parenting plan, arrive knowing where you are willing to compromise. Be ready to calmly explain any provisions you are going to request firmly. Balance consistency with flexibility. While both households should share major rules and parenting approaches, leave some room for each parent.”
Have a schedule
A family lawyer and divorce and break-up coach, Aronke Omame, also known as Sisi Lawyer, stated that children of divorced parents need the presence of their parents in their lives. She further noted that co-parenting after divorce was a new experience.
Omame stated, “Since there is still a lot of hurts, parents tend to put the child in the middle of the fight. That is the main reason it is said that children of divorced parents suffer. So, the parents must have a schedule.”
Drefs, who drafted a tool for parenting schedules, noted that a schedule was the only tool to track expenses, journal what happens and record actual time and keep everything in one place. She said the schedule would also help to reduce conflict and frequent trips to the lawyer’s office or courthouse.
She said the schedule could be a regular, seasonal, vacation or one-time event parenting schedule that must be agreed on and followed by both parties.
Respect boundaries
Sisi Lawyer noted that divorced couples must respect each other’s boundaries, adding that the children should not be used as tools to gather and report information in their ex’s lives. She added, “So, when a parent, for instance, gets an order for legal custody, most of the time, the other parent still has access to the child. It is in very rare circumstances that the court would rule that a father or mother should not have access to the child. So, both parents, while separately looking after their children, need to respect the rules and boundaries of their partners.”
Consider your child’s interest
For couples who went through an acrimonious separation or divorce, it might be difficult to want to have anything to do with each other anymore. While this is understandable, it is necessary to understand that your children are also going through the pain of your separation and wondering what would happen to their lives now that their parents are no longer together. “Consider the child’s interest at all times,” the divorce coach stated.
She noted that the children, regardless of the situation, must be brought up properly.
She added, “The child must be brought up properly and there must be no emotions about it. In a scenario where the mother has legal custody and when the child goes on visitation to the father and he does not bring the child home on time, there is no need for the mother to be angry about it. Rather, there needs to be an agreement on the children’s bedtime, chores, etc. This is not about the couples because there is no longer love or romance between them, so whatever is being discussed must be in the child’s best interest.” She noted that the decision to live and raise their children separately must be well explained to the children.
Be civil to your ex
For the benefit of the children, divorced couples must learn to be civil with each other, especially when attending an event that concerns their children. Co-parenting is a deliberate activity that should be planned by both parents. Omame advised divorced couples not to speak evil or negative words about their exes to their children.
Sisi Lawyer explained that this could cause emotional stress for the children and make them feel guilty or even make them see themselves as the cause of their parents’ separation or divorce. The divorce coach further advised couples to stay away from publishing their disagreements on social media but seek legal mediation for resolution.
“There are many things that call for attention when there is acrimony between couples. It is better to refer them to mediation, which is a better step to conflict resolution than washing their dirty linen in public and not necessarily going to court,” she advised.
Relationships
Olajumoke Onibread narrates how ex-husband assaulted and ruined her career
Olajumoke Orisaguna, the Nigerian model famously known as Olajumoke Onibread, has recounted her harrowing experience with domestic abuse.
Olajumoke rose to fame in 2016 after accidentally walking into a photo shoot with British rapper Tinie Tempah, captured by TY Bello. However, she disappeared from the public eye, leaving many wondering about her whereabouts.
In a recent interview with City FM, Olajumoke alleged that she endured a toxic relationship with her ex-husband Sunday Orisaguna.
She said they lived in Ire, Osun state before she relocated to Lagos. The model described the environment at their Ire home as “hostile”, citing her mother-in-law’s “mistreatment” and Sunday’s “physical abuse”.
She said after relocating to Lagos, she started hawking bread before crossing paths with TY Bello. She said Sunday, however, joined her in Lagos, and the alleged abuse continued.
Olajumoke said she felt ashamed to deny claims of marriage due to their two children. She claimed that her career suffered after their separation, alleging that Sunday maligned her reputation and that of her supporters.
“The time we were in Ire, we stayed in my husband’s family house and there is no way you stay in that kind of place that you would not encounter problems. My mother-in-law was very hostile towards me and I would have to close my hairdressing shop on time just so I could go make dinner at home,” she said.
“And it was whatever she told her son is what he listens to. He would not even listen to my own side of the story before he started beating me up. Whenever me and his mother had misunderstandings, he would not even listen to me before hitting me. He would beat me to the extent that my face and body would be swollen. Sometimes he would even make use of a belt. That was when we were in Ire, Osun state.
“I would hide what was happening because I did not want my mom to hear. She also lived within the same vicinity as us. Before when I go and report to her, she’ll say she did not give me out in marriage to anyone. Even my mum’s younger sister was against me marrying him, as she had lived longer in Ire than me, so she knew what she was saying. But when the pregnancy issue happened, there was nothing anyone could do.
“So my mum will tell me she did not bless any marriage and she cannot also ask me to leave there, so she did not involve herself in the issue. When he beat me, I would not be able to wear short-sleeved clothes, but long-sleeved dresses. I did not tell anyone, only those who lived with us in the house knew about it. Fast forward to January 2016 when I wanted to move to Lagos, we were frying akara for his dad’s remembrance when I had an issue with his elder sister.
“As usual, he beat me up and I decided that I was going to leave, move to Lagos, and start working at the bakery because I had been there before. The third day after that incident, I packed my load and brought my two children with me to Lagos because I could not leave them there. Getting to the bakery, I had to explain to my friend what happened and she was happy that I had finally left because she was part of the people that warned me about him.
“What I am saying now, I have never said it out before. Even when I met TY Bello and I told her that I had a husband, my friend was furious when she found out. She was like I do not have sense, why would I say someone who beats me is my husband? I had to explain that I had to say that because I have children. That was how he came to Lagos. Even in the house that was rented for me in Surulere, he would still beat me up.
“I did not even tell TY Bello what was going on. I could not even admit that we were not married. I am a very gentle person so I did not tell anyone what was going on, I was enduring all of it. Sometimes when he goes out to drink, because he is someone to have a good time, when he gets back and a minor misunderstanding happens, he would start beating me again. It is almost four years since we separated.
“While he was beating me, he did not have a job. I was the one who would go out to hustle for us because I did not want my children to suffer. He would just stay at home and sleep or go out to drink. I did not even disturb him from doing these things, I just wanted him to stop beating me. Then he also started monitoring me when I went to work. If I go for photoshoots, sometimes I come back very late. He would accuse me of sleeping around with other men.
“So I decided to finally leave him. It got so bad that he would even start insulting my parents. It was when I separated from him, that was when everything started going down the drain because he started spoiling my name. All those who had helped me then, he started saying bad things against them. Since then, things started going down.”
Olajumoke has returned to the spotlight as a radio presenter with her talk show ‘Kilon Shele’.
She disclosed that her radio show will focus on her personal story, including her experiences with exploitative managers who took advantage of her lack of education.
Relationships
Fans confused as Chike poses with mystery woman
Chike, the Nigerian singer and songwriter, has sparked romance rumours after sharing an intimate photo with a mystery woman on Instagram.
The ‘Boo of the Booless’ hitmaker posted the picture on Wednesday, showcasing the pair in traditional Igbo and Yoruba attire.
He captioned the photo: “When I wake in the morning, I thank God for you”.
However, it remains unclear whether the photo is a glimpse into Chike’s personal life or a promotional shot for an upcoming music video.
Comments like “Happy married life o,” “my man pls don’t break my heart oo,” and “omo see as my heart cut babe stop naw” flooded the singer’s page.
The development comes as a surprise, considering Chike’s previous admission that he has never told a woman “I love you”.
In a 2022 interview, the 31-year-old singer revealed that saying “I love you” makes him feel vulnerable.
Relationships
Meagan Good, Jonathan Majors are engaged
The Hollywood stars Meagan Good and Jonathan Majors are engaged.
The couple announced their engagement on Sunday at the 2024 Ebony Power 100 List event held at Nya Studios in Los Angeles.
Meagan showed off her engagement ring while the lovebirds posed for loved-up photos on the red carpet.
They also revealed why they chose the particular event to go public with their engagement.
“Ebony Power 100 is the event that we met at in the bathrooms, in the unisex bathroom,” Meagan said.
Good was married to DeVon Franklin, the US pastor and producer, from 2012 to 2021. She and Majors were first linked romantically in May 2023.
Earlier this year, Good opened up about how friends advised her about the scrutiny she could face by being with him. She also discussed how she has stood by him through his challenges.
Majors was found guilty of assault in the third degree and harassment in December 2023, following a March 2023 arrest in New York.
He was arrested after allegedly assaulting Grace Jabbari, his ex-girlfriend.
In April 2024, Majors was sentenced to one year of domestic violence counseling, which includes a 52-week, in-person program in Los Angeles. He was also required to continue mental health therapy and provide regular updates on his progress.
Also, the court issued a permanent protective order between Majors and Jabbari, with potential jail time for any violations of his sentencing terms.
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