Relationships
Nigerian sex therapist, Tola Ajayi, reveals solution to most issues in relationships
Tola Ajayi, the Clinic Manager, Nordical Fertility Centre, Lagos is a sex relationship and fertility counsellor.
In an interview, she speaks on sex, challenges and the need for good sex in relationships.
As a sex therapist, what percentage of your attention is needed in a relationship?
We talk about sex. In this part of the world, we are not open to talking about sex publicly. Growing up, you are not supposed to touch your body and that has been the background as Africans.
Nowadays, the narrative is changing. We know that sex is usually the problem in many homes.
It is only in very few homes that sex is not a problem because the man and the woman understand each other. They know the need for one another. But, in most cases, sex is a problem.
As therapist, I talk about sex openly and encourage people to seek help. If the man is very active and the woman is not active for one reason or the other, she needs to seek help.
She needs to find out why she is not responding to her husband as he wishes.
If you are able to go through it together, talk about her challenges, it could be that she is overwhelmed at work, even at home and as such, she is not getting the necessary support from the husband.
A lady will feel that, how can she come back from work and still be the one to cook, do the house chores and then the husband is waiting for her to have sex?
So, she is never going to open up or accept the man like that. Look at the challenges.
If you are not talking about it, you will not know where the problem is coming from.
Most of the time, when couples have challenges, when they are fighting all the time, the main problem is sex.
And that is not what they are going to talk about.
Nobody will understand. The pastor will not understand, he will only tell them to pray while family members talk about finances. Meanwhile, the main problem is sex.
It may be that the man is having extramarital affairs; he is not bothered about the feelings of the woman. Or the woman is the one that is not giving the man what he wants.
There is always a problem somewhere and that is where the sex therapist comes in. Encouraging people to talk about sex and analyze the problems might just be something they need to talk about and fix the problem.
What kind of complaints do these couples bring to your table?
Most of the time there is a lack of communication. What do I mean? The man wants a particular way of sex, the woman is not willing and the man is not talking about it.
Or maybe, the man wants to suck the wife’s breast and the wife does not want it. It is a lack of communication. It is good for the woman to tell the husband what tickles her.
She should be able to tell the husband to kiss her on her breast if that is what she wants. She should be able to tell the husband where to touch her. It might be just kissing the back of her ear. If that is going to solve the problem, just talk about it.
Lack of communication, most of the time, is a problem. Lack of emotion is another thing. Men are wired differently from women.
Men are wired by what they see. That is why a man could have an erection just by looking at the woman on the road. But, the woman is different.
She is based on emotion. It is the way she feels towards you that would make her want to have sex with you.
If a man is fantasizing about a big breast and the wife does not have a big breast, there is a problem already. If you want the boob to be bigger, just touch the breast. Just touch it as it is.
Just make sure that you are touching. The woman wants her husband to touch her and the man is not touching. He will just come and open the wrapper and wants to have sex.
There is supposed to be preparation towards that and that is what the woman is asking. Love me, touch me, kiss me, hold me, that is what the woman wants for her to be able to get on board with you but the man is not patient enough. He just wants to have sex and move on.
Sometimes, there is a real problem such that the wife is always dry. She could be dry because of certain things or she is having some pains when she is having sex. That is a real problem. But, the question is, what should be done? It is still about communication.
It could be that the pain is related to a disease like endometriosis, or pain in the vagina, or she is not just wet. If she is not wet, you can use lubricant. If the husband is using lubricant for the wife, both of them will enjoy sex.
Look at the challenges and if you are not talking about it, you will not know where the problem is coming from.
What is the importance of sex in a relationship?
Marriage is about communication. It is a spiritual relationship. The physical is the sex. There are some sexless marriages. If you ask them, they are not happy.
Unless, there is a problem with both couples and they knew before they got married and they both agreed they will not have sex, then, it is fine.
In any relationship, for you to come together as husband and wife, there must be an attraction and this is what will lead to sex.
And if one of them is deprived, then, there is a problem. If the man or woman is having sex outside the marriage, then, there is a problem.
Sex is very important in a marriage. You want to have sex for pleasure, you want to have sex to be able to have children. If you are not having the pleasure in a marriage, you will have it outside.
And that is why communication is key. Sex is the icing on the cake. When couples talk about sex, it makes the marriage pleasurable.
What kind of sex can couples enjoy, and how many times in a week should they have sex?
It is on individual basis. Some people might have sex everyday as long as both couples want it. Some people might be twice in a week as long as it is fine for both of them. That is why communication is key.
The type of sex is for both of them to decide. Is it missionary? Do they want to explore other positions? It is for them to decide. Some people in their entire marriage never did any other style than the man at the top.
But, some people spice up their relationships with different types of sex. It can be in the kitchen, bathroom, on the table, on the floor while watching television as long as the children are not there. It is based on what the couples want.
Is oral sex good?
For some people, oral sex is the best. There is nothing wrong with oral sex as long as it is between both couples. The man might want to suck the wife. The woman might not want it.
There is a problem there. The man might want the wife to suck him and the wife might not want to do that.
There is a problem there. So, if both of them agree on oral sex, there is no problem.
Sex is good. It makes the woman glow. When a woman is having good sex, she glows. She is happy.
Relationships
Olajumoke Onibread narrates how ex-husband assaulted and ruined her career
Olajumoke Orisaguna, the Nigerian model famously known as Olajumoke Onibread, has recounted her harrowing experience with domestic abuse.
Olajumoke rose to fame in 2016 after accidentally walking into a photo shoot with British rapper Tinie Tempah, captured by TY Bello. However, she disappeared from the public eye, leaving many wondering about her whereabouts.
In a recent interview with City FM, Olajumoke alleged that she endured a toxic relationship with her ex-husband Sunday Orisaguna.
She said they lived in Ire, Osun state before she relocated to Lagos. The model described the environment at their Ire home as “hostile”, citing her mother-in-law’s “mistreatment” and Sunday’s “physical abuse”.
She said after relocating to Lagos, she started hawking bread before crossing paths with TY Bello. She said Sunday, however, joined her in Lagos, and the alleged abuse continued.
Olajumoke said she felt ashamed to deny claims of marriage due to their two children. She claimed that her career suffered after their separation, alleging that Sunday maligned her reputation and that of her supporters.
“The time we were in Ire, we stayed in my husband’s family house and there is no way you stay in that kind of place that you would not encounter problems. My mother-in-law was very hostile towards me and I would have to close my hairdressing shop on time just so I could go make dinner at home,” she said.
“And it was whatever she told her son is what he listens to. He would not even listen to my own side of the story before he started beating me up. Whenever me and his mother had misunderstandings, he would not even listen to me before hitting me. He would beat me to the extent that my face and body would be swollen. Sometimes he would even make use of a belt. That was when we were in Ire, Osun state.
“I would hide what was happening because I did not want my mom to hear. She also lived within the same vicinity as us. Before when I go and report to her, she’ll say she did not give me out in marriage to anyone. Even my mum’s younger sister was against me marrying him, as she had lived longer in Ire than me, so she knew what she was saying. But when the pregnancy issue happened, there was nothing anyone could do.
“So my mum will tell me she did not bless any marriage and she cannot also ask me to leave there, so she did not involve herself in the issue. When he beat me, I would not be able to wear short-sleeved clothes, but long-sleeved dresses. I did not tell anyone, only those who lived with us in the house knew about it. Fast forward to January 2016 when I wanted to move to Lagos, we were frying akara for his dad’s remembrance when I had an issue with his elder sister.
“As usual, he beat me up and I decided that I was going to leave, move to Lagos, and start working at the bakery because I had been there before. The third day after that incident, I packed my load and brought my two children with me to Lagos because I could not leave them there. Getting to the bakery, I had to explain to my friend what happened and she was happy that I had finally left because she was part of the people that warned me about him.
“What I am saying now, I have never said it out before. Even when I met TY Bello and I told her that I had a husband, my friend was furious when she found out. She was like I do not have sense, why would I say someone who beats me is my husband? I had to explain that I had to say that because I have children. That was how he came to Lagos. Even in the house that was rented for me in Surulere, he would still beat me up.
“I did not even tell TY Bello what was going on. I could not even admit that we were not married. I am a very gentle person so I did not tell anyone what was going on, I was enduring all of it. Sometimes when he goes out to drink, because he is someone to have a good time, when he gets back and a minor misunderstanding happens, he would start beating me again. It is almost four years since we separated.
“While he was beating me, he did not have a job. I was the one who would go out to hustle for us because I did not want my children to suffer. He would just stay at home and sleep or go out to drink. I did not even disturb him from doing these things, I just wanted him to stop beating me. Then he also started monitoring me when I went to work. If I go for photoshoots, sometimes I come back very late. He would accuse me of sleeping around with other men.
“So I decided to finally leave him. It got so bad that he would even start insulting my parents. It was when I separated from him, that was when everything started going down the drain because he started spoiling my name. All those who had helped me then, he started saying bad things against them. Since then, things started going down.”
Olajumoke has returned to the spotlight as a radio presenter with her talk show ‘Kilon Shele’.
She disclosed that her radio show will focus on her personal story, including her experiences with exploitative managers who took advantage of her lack of education.
Relationships
Fans confused as Chike poses with mystery woman
Chike, the Nigerian singer and songwriter, has sparked romance rumours after sharing an intimate photo with a mystery woman on Instagram.
The ‘Boo of the Booless’ hitmaker posted the picture on Wednesday, showcasing the pair in traditional Igbo and Yoruba attire.
He captioned the photo: “When I wake in the morning, I thank God for you”.
However, it remains unclear whether the photo is a glimpse into Chike’s personal life or a promotional shot for an upcoming music video.
Comments like “Happy married life o,” “my man pls don’t break my heart oo,” and “omo see as my heart cut babe stop naw” flooded the singer’s page.
The development comes as a surprise, considering Chike’s previous admission that he has never told a woman “I love you”.
In a 2022 interview, the 31-year-old singer revealed that saying “I love you” makes him feel vulnerable.
Relationships
Meagan Good, Jonathan Majors are engaged
The Hollywood stars Meagan Good and Jonathan Majors are engaged.
The couple announced their engagement on Sunday at the 2024 Ebony Power 100 List event held at Nya Studios in Los Angeles.
Meagan showed off her engagement ring while the lovebirds posed for loved-up photos on the red carpet.
They also revealed why they chose the particular event to go public with their engagement.
“Ebony Power 100 is the event that we met at in the bathrooms, in the unisex bathroom,” Meagan said.
Good was married to DeVon Franklin, the US pastor and producer, from 2012 to 2021. She and Majors were first linked romantically in May 2023.
Earlier this year, Good opened up about how friends advised her about the scrutiny she could face by being with him. She also discussed how she has stood by him through his challenges.
Majors was found guilty of assault in the third degree and harassment in December 2023, following a March 2023 arrest in New York.
He was arrested after allegedly assaulting Grace Jabbari, his ex-girlfriend.
In April 2024, Majors was sentenced to one year of domestic violence counseling, which includes a 52-week, in-person program in Los Angeles. He was also required to continue mental health therapy and provide regular updates on his progress.
Also, the court issued a permanent protective order between Majors and Jabbari, with potential jail time for any violations of his sentencing terms.
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